Rebuilding the Inner Kingdom
My life ruptured this past August. An unhealed wound--one that had secretly structured every relationship I've had--finally collapsed the foundation. I was forced inward, while grieving the greatest loss of my life, to confront a brutal truth: in trying to use the relationship to protect the old hurt, I was hurting the one I loved. I thus created a ruin instead of a castle.
The spirits who guide me were clear: I needed a throne, a seat of interior stability to ground me in my own power so that I no longer needed to rely on partners or externalities--my massive collections of books, music, and movies--to hold me upright.
The wound originated in abandonment: an absent father at birth, a perceived loss when I was a teenager, and karmic losses before this life. To survive, I adopted a "nice guy" armor to avoid being left again. Behind this "nice guy," however, was a resentful shadow who didn't know how to get his needs met, who didn't even know what his needs were much of the time. I was thus ungrounded, dissociated, and lacking in the core self-love required to be the King on his throne. I was a doormat because I was terrified of the door closing.
When I journeyed to my internal throne, it was cracked and broken. My guides and I repaired it. I was given Arthurian gifts: Excalibur to speak the truth no matter the cost and the Grail, which held pure self-love and self-worth. I did the painstaking work, visiting the throne sometimes thirty times per day, drinking from the Grail until my somatic reality shifted. Over the weeks and months, I moved from drinking the power to becoming the Grail, thus learning bodily that I'm loved by the divine without qualification.
The result? I have real power in the world. I no longer resist my poetic and shamanic gifts out of shame. I built this business, and I write (revise) with intensity every day. I have cleared the energetic roots of the abandonment wound to find a self that is independent of props. I'm not finished--the integration continues apace--but I’m far from where I was in August, for when fear shadows me now, I don't hide like a child. I sit on the throne and feel the Grail-love.
What wounds do you need to heal? How do they structure your life? Where is your Grail?
Welcome to Green Shamanism!
Welcome! This journal is where I will share reflections on the healing path, insights from the spirit world, and the published poetry that arises from this work.
Healing is not simply a destination but what we live every day. I look forward to sharing what I learn with you.